Some Days It Feels Like Screaming into the Wind

I want to apologise for the tone of the last post … and this includes an explanation.

Basically I was in a bad mood. I was in a bad mood because I was doing some self-reflection – something that happens when you are mostly alone and mostly working a day job to support yourself – and I didn’t like what I saw. I also didn’t like the gap between where I am and where I want to be. So that – and I’m sure some other trivialities – led to a sour frame of mind and thus affected its tone.

I understand that life is often plagued with disappointments and shortcomings. A good portion of it can be self-generating. This is especially the case if you have high expectations of yourself and of life and of anything else worth measuring. I know it’s “easy” to let things be and have some content with life. Not everyone can attain all their dreams or aspirations. And to believe you can is to set up yourself up for disappointment and failure.

But at the same time, I retort with the words of Robert Browning: “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” Furthermore, there is an intense desire to do this. Interestingly this fulfils something Pierre-Auguste Renoir told his youngest son Jean (yes, the same Jean =] ): “Never just make a film. Do it only because you have to do it.” And then he compared it to the strong urge to urinate. Though crude the comparison is, it’s quite apt.

The difficulty right now is: 1) I’m inexperienced and 2) I’m pushing for a set of films that are not the most commercially viable … in a very obvious way. Personally I see both of them as excuses. The first one can be addressed … and I would love to address it. But given that I’m busy and not the most easily outgoing guy, it’s always difficult to initiate something out of me. (And yes, this first point can also lead me into a bad mood).

As far as the second, I’m sick of things being made purely for money. I understand it’s structured like a business because the investments made and the return desired. But what you are ultimately investing in is art. This is not some empty idealistic talk; that’s what film ultimately is … an art medium. Art has its own rules and its own character … and it resents a needless confinement … and certainly a limited and shallow goal. Plus I feel we are over-saturated with films made for money … can’t there be a breath of fresh air?

Basically I’m proud of what I’ve done far and I want to take it further. And I’m asking for in the end is your help and support. If you believe in this as much as I do, please help.

And I’ll conclude with something that I’m going to try to do. I will do everything I can to make this happen. This also includes making this a little bit better. I can’t see right at this moment how … but that’s the goal. Just like the films.


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